Fear is only as deep as the mind allows. [Japanese Proverb]

i’m sitting here at my desk on this frigid (probably the only day i won’t get a retort from my mother for using this adjective because it’s currently -2 degrees here in pittsburgh, pa, with a wind chill of -25) evening, thinking that maybe i should confront the elephant in the room:

i’m scared.

earlier tonight, for a multitude of reasons, i turned off all of the lights in my bedroom, went inside my closet, sat down, and cried. why? you’re probably wondering. well, friend, i am, too.

this move to jacksonville is becoming very real to me, very quickly. i’m a worrywart, by design (i need to pick up with my yoga and meditation again), but i think i’m mostly afraid of leaving everything i’ve grown up with for the past 23 years of my life in exchange for a brand-new culture, climate, atmosphere…

and hey, maybe i’m part of the normal distribution on that little bell curve of 1 standard deviation from the norm. i guess the good (+1) part about moving away is that i can experience a new environment, while also having the opportunity to move back, or at least closer, if i wanted to (perks of a nationwide therapy company!!). the bad (-1), being stuck 812 miles away from my family for the next year and a half… but even brides & grooms get the nervous jitters before the big day, right? (the +/- 2 standard deviations being those who run away? let’s not think about those 3’s..)

…or maybe, my strength is admitting my apprehension?

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.”

H. P. Lovecraft


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